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Problems in relationships

How do we create relationships?

Often we select people with whom we create relationships, on the basis of unconscious deficits, steaming from our childhood or pathology of import_ant, early relationships with care givers (mother, father).

The harder, more unfulfilled childhood, the greater the deficit of basic needs, especially those of love, care, concern, warmth.

Humans are social beings and we can't run away from relationships that are an import_ant part of life and contribute to our mental health and well-being. Sometimes relationships we choose aren't good for us.

As adults when we enter into close relationships with our partners, friends, our children, co-workers we striving to meet unfulfilled childhood needs often using strategies children use.

Child correctly expects from an adult or guardian meeting all his, her basic needs.

Not being children anymore, we, as adults can't expect from an adult, even the closest one to us, to give us what we have not get from the parents.

In a quest of fulfilling childhood needs

Seeking to meet childhood's needs we often tend to unconsciously do it at any price. Going into toxic relationships "we become" children again.

We lose ourselves, "begging" for love, striving to earn people's attention and care through neglecting our own needs, putting only their needs above ours, pretending to be someone we are not, so that others can accept us and stay with us.

In a partner, loved one we "see" our mother or father.

There comes excessive expectations, which these persons are not able to meet and as a result may move away from us, or react in such a way that we perceive as hurts.

Unfortunately childhood schema is "brought to live" again: love-hunger causes rejection.

Repeating early childhood roles

Unconsciously we can also repeat some early childhood roles, for example. In a couple one of the partners "takes on" the role of "victim" - most of the time depressed, unhappy, in need of constant care and assurance of love, the other partner "takes on" complementary role of "rescuer" -most of the time dealing with others fleeing from their own repressed needs, emotional pain by helping others and thus feeling import_ant, powerful, needed by others.

Such a "system" does not lead to a mature relationship. Both persons are injured, wounded, "they can not grow up", since they inhibit the development processes of one another and captivate each other in their "roles".

Forming more conscious relationships

Modern times and ways in which people form relationships are called by psychologists "narcissistic". For instance many people do not have necessary skills to enter and create deep, satisfying, close relationships, while long for intimacy. Thus so great popularity of social media, where people can sometimes create false images of themselves and form shallow substitutes of close relationships based on artificial images or profiles.

Especially this great longing for closeness and inability to build it, is characteristic for people who grew up in pathological families. They suffer from deficit of good relationships.

Therefore, it is even more import_ant to ask yourself: How do I create relationships? Am I satisfied, or hurt, exhausted in them? How do my relationships look like? Who am I? What family I come from? What are my emotional deficits? What types of relationships my childhood relational schemas drives me into?

If a function of a relationship with a partner, a friend, a close family member, co-worker is to fill deep gaps, it might not survive in time.

It possibly does not withstand the load of excessive expectations, longings and lack of fulfilment that stems from inner deficits.

When relationships hurt

We often unconsciously turn to relationships with people who hurt us, because we do not know how to healthy relate to people and try to escape from intimacy.

Sadly sometimes we are able to endure so much, even violence, only to be with someone.

Not knowing what the true intimacy is, we assume that the toxic relationship with a partner is love, because it brings intense emotions that fill our inner emptiness.

We feel lonely, hurt in a relationship with someone but it is difficult for us to leave it, we are afraid to walk away.

We can change a bad schema. As adults we are free and we can choose how our relationships will look like.

Now, in adulthood is a time for conscious, free choices. In the past, during childhood, we could not choose.

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You need not, in fact cannot, teach an acorn to grow into an oak tree, but when given a chance, its intrinsic potentialities will develop. Similarly, the human individual, given a chance, tends to develop his particular human potentialities.

Karen Horney

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